Don’t Let Others Tell You How to Cast Your Magic
Once upon a time, in a lifetime that feels far, far away, I didn’t know it, but I was a
young(er) adventurer, out questing on a path called Career. I wasn’t new to the path,
but it had been a sort of winding, non-specific, meandering thing that was finally taking
shape in a particular direction toward higher education administration, or so I thought.
I was working on my doctorate degree, with my eyes on the goal of becoming a
VP/Dean of Academic Affairs. It never materialized, things changed, and I left that path
for other quests, but that’s a different story for a different time.
My role model and mentor told me one day that I needed to make changes if I were
going to be taken seriously, and if I wanted to be considered for higher positions, not
just in education but every field. She told me that I would need to show more maturity,
that I had “grown up,” and while she gestured at my stapler that had a well-known
blonde & feisty fairy reclining on it, she said “and not do this kind of thing. Less Disney.”
I just remember thinking, “No.” And saying to myself, “My cute stapler shows some of
my sparkle, it’s not going to break my career. That’s just dumb.”
Because to me, being mature ≠ being without magic.
But her comments did affect me in ways I didn’t expect: It made me feel that maybe I
should keep it more subtle (I don’t know how you get more subtle than a beautiful,
sculpted resin, hand painted stapler, but this woman knew her stuff, you know? I wanted
to be just like her…except for the lack of whimsy part…). “I don’t want to be weird or
odd.” And I found myself hiding my whimsy, my affinity for joyfulness and simple magic.
Dampening my sparkle.
And I burnt out. I stuffed away what made me bright, and I fell apart. I had a breakdown.
Because under all the stress of what my life was then, I extinguished the one thing that
made me stand. My authenticity.
It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I don’t even think for a moment,
“Wait, is this business acceptable?” and to fully lean into the things that echo who I am.
To be proud of who I am and the weirdness that is me: The bright (but sometimes
dark), interesting, silly, kitschy parts of me that make me smile. The things that make my
joy bubble up inside me and dance in my heart and solar plexus. And it’s so much more
fun to be the person that finds delight in things simply because they’re delightful.
I don’t resent my mentor for her words. She was trying to guide me in the thoughts of
Business and Career Woman at the time. I don’t resent her, but I do wish she’d never
said that. I would have been better off if she hadn’t. I internalized it and tried to make it
align with the person I am—the me that loves to see the sparkle in things. Find the fun,
the silly, the joyful, the magic. Maybe that makes me weird, but if I can find the
magic—or create the magic—in the mundane, well, then I guess I’ll be weird.
And you know what?
I’ve always been weird. Odd. A contradiction. Two seemingly disparate things merging
together. But that’s my alchemy: Water and fire slamming together to make steam.
And steam is power.
And so am I.
